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things ain't always working out

On my previous post, I shared one significant change happening to me in 2023. Does that mean everything worked out as I planned? Sadly, it wasn’t that simple. Things didn’t always turn out as I wanted them to be. Isn’t that what everyone is going through all the time? Yeah, that’s life, isn’t it? Sometimes I turned back and asked myself “Have I done good? Am I doing enough?” 

Frequently, I feel like everything just goes in motion. Every day is another routine. I know it might be just my point of view. When you live a life mindfully, you will always have something to be grateful for. However, there are times when it is just hard to see it that way. There are times when I feel numb without knowing the reason why. 

Location : Bali Strait

One thing I avoid the most is disappointing my parents and my family. Despite all the achievements I gained all these years, I can’t brush off this tingling feeling that I’m a big disappointment to them. They do have some expectations they put on me. To name a few, becoming a civil servant. Getting married. Having kids. Being known as an influential figure in the community. So on and so forth.  

They never said these all directly. Maybe they are just my assumptions. But they keep praying for me every time we have a family gathering. The prayers are mostly the same every year. Not only my parents but also some colleagues at school always pray the same thing on my birthday. I should be grateful, right? That means they care about me. But the problem is I don’t know how to react to that other than saying Thank You and Ameen. It always feels very awkward for me. Is it what I want in life? Is it okay for me to conform to their wishes and expectations? Is it wrong to feel this way? I have more questions than answers. 



I might overthink too much. However, questioning these things leads me to a self-discovery journey. I know I hate it when I’m unable to meet their expectations. But I hate it more when I am pretentious to please others. I’m always uneasy when compared to my siblings and peers. Yet, I’ll take it with a grain of salt because sometimes I need it to reflect on myself. I don’t have big ambitions. And that’s okay. I believe I don’t have to do big things to live a life. It’s alright doing small things for me and other people around me.

To handle things between me and my family, I prefer to have a meaningful conversation with them. I try to articulate what's on my mind as clearly as possible so they will have better understanding about me and my decision. It isn't always easy. But it doesn't mean impossible. Let's give it a try. It's better than none. All parents were young once. They probably did the same thing with their parents. Also, let's listen to them too. They have been through a lot. There must be something we can learn from them.

Am I doing enough? Did I miss a turn in life? What’s enough in living a life? How do you know whether you are living a life or a lie? 

About the unending questions above, I don’t have all the answers now. That’s okay. Let’s just keep on living. Eventually, they will all turn up. Just remember, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Be yourself. You are doing great! Keep up the good work!

Somewhere in Banyuwangi. I don't know why but I like this city. 
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