How many times have you heard someone said something
like this to you when you felt so down?
“Just get over it! What he said is true. You shouldn’t have done that!”
“Why are you crying? It’s not a big deal!”
“Don’t take it personally!”
There might be a lot right? Let me rephrase that. How
many of us have said them to our friends or family who need help? Can we
remember? I bet none of us can remember it clearly since we lost count of it.
Victim blaming, ever heard of it? According to an
article on Harvard Law School Halt website, “Victim-blaming is the attitude which suggests that the victim rather
than the perpetrator bears responsibility for the assault. Victim-blaming
occurs when it is assumed that an individual did something to provoke the
violence by actions, words, or dress.”
In other words, we blame the victims for their
unfortunate grief just because we assume they
say or do something that trigger it. Some research revealed that victim blaming
frequently occurs to the victims of sexual assault. They are blamed for the way
they dress. They are accused for the way they walk. They are raped and sexually
harassed because of their fault.
In my opinion, victim blaming has broader spectrum. If
you think it only happens to sexual assault victims, I guess you need to get
closer look. Victim blaming can manifest in a very subtle way. Look at children
who cry loudly because they fall from their bike. How many times do you hear
people close to them get angry and scold them because they are not careful?
Look at girls who are brokenhearted and feel depressed. How often do you hear people
blaming them for their feeling? Look at yourself who’s ever been in pain. How
often do you hear people telling you to snap out of it without them having
clear understanding why you feel that way? How many times do you hear people
telling you to stop crying because they think it’s not a big deal? How many
times do you hear people mention it’s all because of what you did before? It’s
all your fault?
I never realized until recently that victim blaming is
common. The saddest truth is we mostly do it to people who are close to us
without realizing it. I know we don’t mean any harm by telling them to stop
crying or getting over their feeling. We don’t mean to blame them when we
mention that this is all because of what they did in the past. Maybe we want
them to learn from it. That’s something we commonly do to ease their pain.
However the effect isn’t always exactly like we want it to be.
When someone tells me to stop crying, I end up crying
more. When someone tells me to stop thinking about my problem, I end up
thinking about it all the time. When someone mentions it is all because of my
previous action, I felt so brokenhearted. Is
knowing who or what is at fault that important? How does it make any
difference? What I feel at those moments is I am judged. My feeling isn’t
appreciated. My emotion isn’t acknowledged. The message I receive is Cut it Out! You wouldn’t have been like
this if you... Is it that simple? If it is that simple why do I feel more
depressed than before?
Is it wrong of me to feel this
way? Does my feeling matter? Is crying that bad? Why do you keep telling me to
stop crying when you don’t even know my feeling? Why do you keep saying that
what I feel is the result of my past action? Is it all my fault? So what? What
do you expect? Do you think it will end the pain? Will you be able to stop
crying if you are on my shoes? Will you be able to endure the same ache?
Some people share their stories just to ease their
pain. They just want to be heard. They want to be understood. They want to let
out their burden that has been stuck in their heart. Instead of judging and
blaming them for their feeling why don’t we just listen and be present. No need
to try fixing their problem unless they ask for it. No need to say anything
great that we think will make their day. Just sit by their side and listen with
compassion and empathy. That will be enough to make them feel cared for and
acknowledged.
I highly appreciate my mom and my virtual but real bestfriend
who listen to my stories without making any judgement. They make me feel so
much better when life gets really hard. They don’t blame anything or anyone for
what happened. They don’t say anything smart. They are just there for me. And I’m
so thankful for that. They acknowledge my feeling that I’m hurt. That’s
actually more than I could ask for. Since then I realize that I don’t need brilliant
solutions from my significant ones to solve my problem. I don’t need them to fix
my trouble. I just need their presence to make me feel that I’m not alone. I just
need them to hear me and treat me in more human way. It’s okay to be
vulnerable. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be okay.
I think the process of healing
begins when we open our hearts and listen emphathetically. We can help people
not because we know the solutions to their problems, but because we care enough
to stay and lend our ears. Knowing that others have gone through similar
difficulties, they become better equipped to cope with theirs. – Haemin Sunim from Love for Imperfect Things
Changing this victim blaming habit won’t be easy. But
it doesn’t mean impossible. Let’s start from ourselves. Let’s try our best to
understand people’s feeling better before we say something. Let’s put our feet
in their shoes before making any conclusion. Let’s listen more attentively to
their stories. Remember, we listen to understand not to reply. Let’s shower our
significant people with so much love by showing them our compassion and
empathy. Let’s sit by their side and say I’m
here for you. Let’s open our heart to accept their feeling without making
any judgement.
On his book entitled True Love, Thich Nhat Hanh said “Understanding is the essence of love. If you
cannot understand, you cannot love.” So, if you love your family, friends,
and lover, start getting better understanding about them by listening emphathetically.
It’s way much helping instead of telling them off and blaming them for feeling.
just listen... |
That's why i choose my journal to be friends. 🤭 I know i won't get a feedback, but i can release my stress. And it makes me more relax.
ReplyDeleteI am kinda a listener actually. I chose not to tell others about my problems, because sometime it make me more stressful.
Love the beautiful candidness of this blog post. Empathy really is the key - and to be good, genuine, and careful with it so it comes out right and at the right time
ReplyDelete