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How Victim Blaming doesn't ease my pain



How many times have you heard someone said something like this to you when you felt so down?

“Just get over it! What he said is true. You shouldn’t have done that!”
“Why are you crying? It’s not a big deal!”
“Don’t take it personally!”

There might be a lot right? Let me rephrase that. How many of us have said them to our friends or family who need help? Can we remember? I bet none of us can remember it clearly since we lost count of it.

Victim blaming, ever heard of it? According to an article on Harvard Law School Halt website, “Victim-blaming is the attitude which suggests that the victim rather than the perpetrator bears responsibility for the assault. Victim-blaming occurs when it is assumed that an individual did something to provoke the violence by actions, words, or dress.”

In other words, we blame the victims for their unfortunate grief just because we assume they say or do something that trigger it. Some research revealed that victim blaming frequently occurs to the victims of sexual assault. They are blamed for the way they dress. They are accused for the way they walk. They are raped and sexually harassed because of their fault.

In my opinion, victim blaming has broader spectrum. If you think it only happens to sexual assault victims, I guess you need to get closer look. Victim blaming can manifest in a very subtle way. Look at children who cry loudly because they fall from their bike. How many times do you hear people close to them get angry and scold them because they are not careful? Look at girls who are brokenhearted and feel depressed. How often do you hear people blaming them for their feeling? Look at yourself who’s ever been in pain. How often do you hear people telling you to snap out of it without them having clear understanding why you feel that way? How many times do you hear people telling you to stop crying because they think it’s not a big deal? How many times do you hear people mention it’s all because of what you did before? It’s all your fault?

I never realized until recently that victim blaming is common. The saddest truth is we mostly do it to people who are close to us without realizing it. I know we don’t mean any harm by telling them to stop crying or getting over their feeling. We don’t mean to blame them when we mention that this is all because of what they did in the past. Maybe we want them to learn from it. That’s something we commonly do to ease their pain. However the effect isn’t always exactly like we want it to be.

When someone tells me to stop crying, I end up crying more. When someone tells me to stop thinking about my problem, I end up thinking about it all the time. When someone mentions it is all because of my previous action, I felt so brokenhearted. Is knowing who or what is at fault that important? How does it make any difference? What I feel at those moments is I am judged. My feeling isn’t appreciated. My emotion isn’t acknowledged. The message I receive is Cut it Out! You wouldn’t have been like this if you... Is it that simple? If it is that simple why do I feel more depressed than before?

Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Does my feeling matter? Is crying that bad? Why do you keep telling me to stop crying when you don’t even know my feeling? Why do you keep saying that what I feel is the result of my past action? Is it all my fault? So what? What do you expect? Do you think it will end the pain? Will you be able to stop crying if you are on my shoes? Will you be able to endure the same ache?

Some people share their stories just to ease their pain. They just want to be heard. They want to be understood. They want to let out their burden that has been stuck in their heart. Instead of judging and blaming them for their feeling why don’t we just listen and be present. No need to try fixing their problem unless they ask for it. No need to say anything great that we think will make their day. Just sit by their side and listen with compassion and empathy. That will be enough to make them feel cared for and acknowledged.

I highly appreciate my mom and my virtual but real bestfriend who listen to my stories without making any judgement. They make me feel so much better when life gets really hard. They don’t blame anything or anyone for what happened. They don’t say anything smart. They are just there for me. And I’m so thankful for that. They acknowledge my feeling that I’m hurt. That’s actually more than I could ask for. Since then I realize that I don’t need brilliant solutions from my significant ones to solve my problem. I don’t need them to fix my trouble. I just need their presence to make me feel that I’m not alone. I just need them to hear me and treat me in more human way. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be okay.

I think the process of healing begins when we open our hearts and listen emphathetically. We can help people not because we know the solutions to their problems, but because we care enough to stay and lend our ears. Knowing that others have gone through similar difficulties, they become better equipped to cope with theirs. – Haemin Sunim from Love for Imperfect Things

Changing this victim blaming habit won’t be easy. But it doesn’t mean impossible. Let’s start from ourselves. Let’s try our best to understand people’s feeling better before we say something. Let’s put our feet in their shoes before making any conclusion. Let’s listen more attentively to their stories. Remember, we listen to understand not to reply. Let’s shower our significant people with so much love by showing them our compassion and empathy. Let’s sit by their side and say I’m here for you. Let’s open our heart to accept their feeling without making any judgement.

On his book entitled True Love, Thich Nhat Hanh said “Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love.” So, if you love your family, friends, and lover, start getting better understanding about them by listening emphathetically. It’s way much helping instead of telling them off and blaming them for feeling.


just listen...

Comments

  1. That's why i choose my journal to be friends. 🤭 I know i won't get a feedback, but i can release my stress. And it makes me more relax.

    I am kinda a listener actually. I chose not to tell others about my problems, because sometime it make me more stressful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the beautiful candidness of this blog post. Empathy really is the key - and to be good, genuine, and careful with it so it comes out right and at the right time

    ReplyDelete

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