A few months ago, I
read an article on an online website. That article was about a woman who came
back home to Indonesia after living independently for years in Australia and
she was struggling to adapt with
her parents and family. When I read that I felt like itās something my future
self writes for me. She shared about how her parents have a very distinctive point of view
from her. They argue a lot almost about everything. She was having her 2nd
culture shock eventhough she was in a place supposedly called as home.
Everything felt so foreign for her. She started questioning what home is, where
it really is.
If you had read my
previous posts, you must have known that I came back to my parentsā house after
living independently for 9 years. I actually predicted that it is not going to
be easy, living together again under one roof with our differences eventhough
weāre indeed blood related. And yes, it is not easy for me.
Just like other family,
my parents and I have similarities and differences. Iām so thankful that we are prioritizing our spiritual and religious
practices. Yup we are on the same boat on this. However a lot of times I found
it really hard to cope with the way they see and think. I canāt help it. Our
year gap is very huge.
Sometimes I canāt see
what they see especially when they proudly started talking about how life was
in President Soehartoās era. I couldnāt relate myself at all because I was
still a baby back then. They couldnāt really understand about why people
committed suicide. When I told them about depression and mental health issues,
their reaction was not what I expected would come from them. When I told them
how mad I was after watching a stupid patriarchal play performed by a local theatrical
group, they didnāt really pay attention to the issue. Oh God there were a lot
of things that I found annoying me since starting living here. Sometimes it
made me rethink again. Did I make the right decision?
It has been 2 weeks since I left my previous life. These challenges
about living with my parents again really change my life and lead me to
somewhere I canāt predict. I can say I was out of my comfort zone by force. At
first I was stubbornly standing on my own standards and values. I lived my life
like the way I did back then. I donāt know whether my parents are having a hard
time living with me again or not but if they do I donāt see it. However Iām
sure they know I was having a hard time because I often
showed them my annoyance
straightforwardly like when my mom still received plastic bags, I commented it
and when my dad kept asking me to ride a motorbike, I got cross.
Surprisingly, on the next few days they changed a
bit and they did something that impressed me. My dad didnāt want to use plastic
packaging for takeaway
food on his religious gathering (pengajian) event so my mom managed to make it less waste. He
stopped forcing me to ride a motorbike and let me go biking with my bike. When
they did it and other small things that matter that was the moment when I
started to see everything I missed. I was blind to all good things
they do.
All this time I unconsciously set
everything with my own sky-rise standards.
Living together
with other people means you have
to consider them too and Iām not really familiar to that. Iām already used to
live by myself. I do things based on what I think is right. Eventhough
previously I lived in a boarding house together with the ownerās family, I
lived within my own bubble. I set everything according to my standards.
Although I already know that every person has his/her own ones, it seems that I was too self-centered until I donāt
even remember that.
āWe too often focus only on negative aspect of life, on what is bad. If weāre more willing to see good and the beautiful things that surround us, we would be able to change our family. From there, we would change our next door neighbors and then others who live in our neighborhood or city. We would be able to bring peace and love to our world which hunger so much for these things.ā - Mother Theresa
I
realized that just I focused on things I take as flaws when I shouldāve put
my attentions on the positive things. I focused on blaming others
and following my ego. This
is my parentsā house. They have their own values, habits, and freedom to do
anything they want. Then I came and was frustrated because everything was not
what I had expected. Itās not their problem. Itās exactly mine. I put myself in
trouble because of my own standards. There are things that I canāt change and
shouldnāt change. I have to sincerely accept some things as they are. I need to
adjust what I value with my new environment and with people who live with me.
Having this awareness
changes me is some ways such as
- I stop measuring everything with my own standards. I stop trying to change my parents and start to accept them as they are.
- I stop giving comments to things I consider need to be improved. If I need to, I try my best to tell it in more moderate way. I try to relate my suggestion with their lifestyle, characters, and habits.
- I listen to them more so I can get better understanding about everything they have in mind. Yeah I canāt deny that we sometimes argue things but I try my best to understand why they stand on their opinion and of course I struggle to lower my ego every time Iām talking to them.
- They love me unconditionally and show me so much compassion. Now I learn to do the same. It doesnāt mean I donāt love them before. I just want to do more than what I did before.
The biggest takeaway I
got from this ups and downs living with my parents again is I become more
grateful. My parents are complete. They are physically and mentally healthy (though
my mom is currently struggling with her allergic to tobacco smoke). For years
theyāve been raising me, supporting my education as well as my career, having
my back, and loving me as always. Theyāve been giving and showing me all
positivity this world has. They are the best teachers of life. So yeah, there
are uncountable reasons why I should be more grateful for having them as my
parents. I donāt want to take them for granted anymore.
If you guys still have
your parents around please treat them better and love them. Time is ticking and
we donāt know how much we have left. They are not perfect. Neither are
we! Before asking them to be perfect have we ever asked ourselves? Have we been
perfect children for them? Perfection doesnāt exist. Our parents are perfect
with their imperfections. Now itās up to us whether we will accept it or not.
If youāre no longer
together with your parents, you know theyāre still there with you eventhough
you canāt see them anymore. Letās wish them a happy life wherever they are. Iām
sure they also pray the best for you as always.
Yes They are not perfect. So are we! :)
ReplyDeleteSemakin kita tumbuh, semakin tua pula orang tua kita. Habis baca post ini jadi ingin menangis. orang tuaku kalo lagi jemput distasiun setiap pulang kampung tuh selalu terlihat lebih tua daripada terakhir kali ketemu.
Iya mbak. Bener banget. Selama ini gak pernah nyadar kalo ortu semakin senja dan kesehatannya semakin rapuh. Tiap kali ditanya kesehatannya selalu bilang enggak pa pa padahal lagi sakit. Itu yang akhirnya bikin aku mutusin balik ke rumah. Terima kasih sudah berkunjung ke Mind BoX...
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