Living with My Parents (again)

A few months ago, I read an article on an online website. That article was about a woman who came back home to Indonesia after living independently for years in Australia and she was struggling to adapt with her parents and family. When I read that I felt like it’s something my future self writes for me. She shared about how her parents have a very distinctive point of view from her. They argue a lot almost about everything. She was having her 2nd culture shock eventhough she was in a place supposedly called as home. Everything felt so foreign for her. She started questioning what home is, where it really is.

If you had read my previous posts, you must have known that I came back to my parents’ house after living independently for 9 years. I actually predicted that it is not going to be easy, living together again under one roof with our differences eventhough we’re indeed blood related. And yes, it is not easy for me.

Just like other family, my parents and I have similarities and differences. I’m so thankful that we are prioritizing our spiritual and religious practices. Yup we are on the same boat on this. However a lot of times I found it really hard to cope with the way they see and think. I can’t help it. Our year gap is very huge.

Sometimes I can’t see what they see especially when they proudly started talking about how life was in President Soeharto’s era. I couldn’t relate myself at all because I was still a baby back then. They couldn’t really understand about why people committed suicide. When I told them about depression and mental health issues, their reaction was not what I expected would come from them. When I told them how mad I was after watching a stupid patriarchal play performed by a local theatrical group, they didn’t really pay attention to the issue. Oh God there were a lot of things that I found annoying me since starting living here. Sometimes it made me rethink again. Did I make the right decision?

It has been 2 weeks since I left my previous life. These challenges about living with my parents again really change my life and lead me to somewhere I can’t predict. I can say I was out of my comfort zone by force. At first I was stubbornly standing on my own standards and values. I lived my life like the way I did back then. I don’t know whether my parents are having a hard time living with me again or not but if they do I don’t see it. However I’m sure they know I was having a hard time because I often showed them my annoyance straightforwardly like when my mom still received plastic bags, I commented it and when my dad kept asking me to ride a motorbike, I got cross.

Surprisingly, on the next few days they changed a bit and they did something that impressed me. My dad didn’t want to use plastic packaging for takeaway food on his religious gathering (pengajian) event so my mom managed to make it less waste. He stopped forcing me to ride a motorbike and let me go biking with my bike. When they did it and other small things that matter that was the moment when I started to see everything I missed. I was blind to all good things they do. All this time I unconsciously set everything with my own sky-rise standards.

Living together with other people means you have to consider them too and I’m not really familiar to that. I’m already used to live by myself. I do things based on what I think is right. Eventhough previously I lived in a boarding house together with the owner’s family, I lived within my own bubble. I set everything according to my standards. Although I already know that every person has his/her own ones, it seems that I was too self-centered until I don’t even remember that.

“We too often focus only on negative aspect of life, on what is bad. If we’re more willing to see good and the beautiful things that surround us, we would be able to change our family. From there, we would change our next door neighbors and then others who live in our neighborhood or city. We would be able to bring peace and love to our world which hunger so much for these things.” - Mother Theresa

I realized that just I focused on things I take as flaws when I should’ve put my attentions on the positive things. I focused on blaming others and following my ego. This is my parents’ house. They have their own values, habits, and freedom to do anything they want. Then I came and was frustrated because everything was not what I had expected. It’s not their problem. It’s exactly mine. I put myself in trouble because of my own standards. There are things that I can’t change and shouldn’t change. I have to sincerely accept some things as they are. I need to adjust what I value with my new environment and with people who live with me.

Having this awareness changes me is some ways such as

1. I stop measuring everything with my own standards. I stop trying to change my parents and start to accept them as they are.
2. I stop giving comments to things I consider need to be improved. If I need to, I try my best to tell it in more moderate way. I try to relate my suggestion with their lifestyle, characters, and habits.
3. I listen to them more so I can get better understanding about everything they have in mind. Yeah I can’t deny that we sometimes argue things but I try my best to understand why they stand on their opinion and of course I struggle to lower my ego every time I’m talking to them.
4. They love me unconditionally and show me so much compassion. Now I learn to do the same. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them before. I just want to do more than what I did before.

The biggest takeaway I got from this ups and downs living with my parents again is I become more grateful. My parents are complete. They are physically and mentally healthy (though my mom is currently struggling with her allergic to tobacco smoke). For years they’ve been raising me, supporting my education as well as my career, having my back, and loving me as always. They’ve been giving and showing me all positivity this world has. They are the best teachers of life. So yeah, there are uncountable reasons why I should be more grateful for having them as my parents. I don’t want to take them for granted anymore.

If you guys still have your parents around please treat them better and love them. Time is ticking and we don’t know how much we have left. They are not perfect. Neither are we! Before asking them to be perfect have we ever asked ourselves? Have we been perfect children for them? Perfection doesn’t exist. Our parents are perfect with their imperfections. Now it’s up to us whether we will accept it or not.

If you’re no longer together with your parents, you know they’re still there with you eventhough you can’t see them anymore. Let’s wish them a happy life wherever they are. I’m sure they also pray the best for you as always.