dear my vulnerable soul

Jembrana, 07 Okt. 19

On Thursday October 3rd, 2019, I had my farewell event in a place I worked before. Long before the event was held, I convinced myself not to cry. I know that I’m a very sensitive person. I can’t see someone cries before me because I’ll definitely cry. I hate it when people see me crying because it feels like they see me naked. In order not to cry I prepared some happy scenarios on my mind. I designed what I was going to say in front of the others. When I thought everything was going to go well, it didn’t happen as I expected. I bursted into tears and yeah they saw me naked. I showed them how vulnerable I was.

When it happened, I was like ‘Oh snap! I didn’t plan for this! How will they react?’ I was so afraid ruining the mood. I was ashamed. It felt like I showed them my weakness. I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed because all of my emotions were overflowing. Thank God, my friends cheered me up again so yeah I didn’t cry for too long. Looking back at that moment now makes me feel like it wasn’t actually a big deal. Why was I scared of crying in front of others that much when It was actually very relieving? Was it because of the shame showing them my tears? Was it because I kept on believing that crying is a sign of weakness?

Human has this thing called ego. Based on Cambridge dictionary, ego refers to your idea or opinion of yourself, or a great feeling of your own importance and ability. It’s part of our nature to look good in order to impress others. We try not to look weak or vulnerable because it is considered shameful. We don’t want to spoil our image. We don’t want people to talk behind our back. We are part of the society and we try our best to fit in. In order to fit in sometimes we just follow the stereotypes this comunity has. Men don’t cry. You are being too sensitive. Crying is a sign of weakness. Stop crying. And bla bla bla. These stereotypes very much influence how we think of ourselves and act in front of others.

When human is still a baby, crying is normal. Even crying is very essential. It’s a sign that the baby is alive. It’s a warning that something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. It tells us that we are hurt or touched. It’s very human. So, why does it change to be something that we are ashamed for? Why does being vulnerable become something that we avoid the most? Is it because we don’t want others to have a lesser opinion of us? We are afraid of being judged as a weak person?

I’ve actually cried in front of people for a couple of times. It mostly happened when I watched movies with my friends or by myself. I tried so hard not to cry in front of them because if I did they would tease me and I ended up being apologetic for feeling. I couldn’t help myself not to cry because I’m very sensitive. I just cried and I didn’t care what others were going to say because I was too sad to think of the effect. Then I realized that crying is normal. Being vulnerable to sadness is okay. It’s part of me that makes me who I am. It has never been giving me any mental breakdown or damage. Conversely, it releases my burden that I have kept all this time.

By being vulnerable, I’m being honest and truthful to myself. I appreciate my feeling. I acknowledge its existence and embrace it. Accepting my feeling, my vulnerability, means I accept myself wholly as a human being who is imperfect, who has emotions. Crying as the manifestation of me being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness. Beside, It takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge it. I’m hurt. I’m touched. I’m moved. As a writer and designer Jamie Varon stated “I will not let myself be ashamed of my unique experience of being human.” I believe that what I feel and experience as a human being is not something I have to feel ashamed for. I’m human and it’s normal.

You might be afraid that the people around you will change once you show how vulnerable you are. You are scared that they will not be the same people anymore. If you feel this way I just want to tell you one thing. You always have choices.

a. You still stick around those people who won’t let you be who you are.

b. You can always leave them and be around people who appreciate you for who you are.

Whatever you choose will affect your future self. We know very well that humans are tribal creatures. We will always stay connected with the crowd. What kind of crowd is it? You can freely choose which suits you the best, which associates with your values the most. However following the crowd has its own drawback. James Clear said on his book Atomic Habit, “Most days, we’d rather be wrong with the crowd than be right to ourselves.” We mostly follow what society tells us to do without putting into account whether it’s right or wrong to our values. Even for feelings, we always go with the flow of the people around us. We appreciate our true feeling less because it doesn’t syncronize with our society. The more you do it the less you become yourself. Eventually you end up losing who you are.

I learn very meaningful lessons from my farewell event. Stay true to yourself. Embrace your feeling. Accept your tears. Acknowledge your vulnerability. Listen to what your feeling tells you. Follow your heart. It takes so much courage to do them. My emotions are not my weakness. They are here for their own missions and purposes. They make me who I am now. They let me grow to be a better version of myself. They don’t make me any less human. I am who I am because of them. There is no way I would despise them just to fit in the wrong crowd.

If you are on the same journey with me, hopefully this post will help you in any ways. Have a great day and a good life everyone!