Overcoming The Crisis Bit by Bit

Malang, 16 Agustus 2018

God always gives us what we need. Not what we want. That’s what I always believe. But sometimes, the are some moments when I feel so miserable and that belief is pushed back then gone somewhere far away. I lose my faith. I fall again. For those who have read my previous post, you already know that I’m in my Quarter Life Crisis. I’m questioning myself about my life, my happiness, and my future eventhough it’s obvious that I live a good life and nothing really goes wrong. Yet, I feel like my world is upside down. Especially when something I’ve been longing for never comes.

I’m a type of person who needs to plan everything I’m going to do. I can’t really do things spontaneously. More importantly, when it comes to my personal life, I require a well-planned plan. I know sometimes things aren’t always going as we’ve planned. Yet, for me it’s still essential. Living a life without plans means committing a suicide.

Back then, I planned to pursue my goal. Going back to college. I was so excited. I even made some arrangements about what to do. I also imagined my new life would be. I would meet new people. I would get more chances to explore new places and new knowledge. The dream I’ve set since I was a kid would finally come true. Sadly, it never happened. I failed and it affected me so much in many ways. It was subtle but it was there. I lost my interest in learning about topics related to the major I’m interested in. I was so afraid of making my parents disappointed. I did my job halfheartedly and I think it affected people around me. The worst was, I didn’t know what to do about my future life.

I felt like a lost lamb and I needed a shepherd to take me back home. I tried to pray to God but I was so afraid that my prayer was too much for me to ask. I was afraid what I’ve been struggling so far is not the best for me. I didn’t know what to wish for. Everything falls apart. I didn’t meet my own and my family’s expectations. And it hurt me so much because I know I really wanted them to come true. I could say that I was at my lowest level of life. I tried to keep being strong since I knew nothing would change if I deprived myself for too long. But, it was never easy. It never will.

Maybe it’s true that every cloud has a silver lining. One by one, bit by bit, everything gets better. My mom, my main support system, cheers me up every time I call her. She supports me for whatever I’m doing here. She prays for my happiness and success. She isn’t disappointed with my failure. From the very beginning she always told me to be prepared for failure. She always tells me to keep my faith that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it is invisible at the moment. At the end, I will always find it out. I think what she told me makes me okay yet sad at the same time. My heart is wrecking and my tears couldn’t stop falling. She knows I am in pain eventhough I never mention it. Yet, most of the time I hardly realize what happens to her and how I hurt her feeling when I’m not in the mood to talk to her.

My dad, though he doesn’t talk much like usual, accepts me as the way I am and wishes me the best luck. He trusts me and that’s more than enough to keep me standing straight to face what life offers me. My close friends come and comfort me. They know how to make me okay better than anyone else. All of them are enough to help me believe in myself again. To find happiness. And to continue on living.

Good things about work also keep coming to me. I get a chance to try something new. I get to know new people and new places. I get more new experiences and insights. That novelty keeps me learning things I’ve never done before. Thank God they distract me from my depression. That very thing also assures that I don’t want to miss my moments of doing my job. I realize that I’m so happy when I work. I want to keep doing it for myself, for my beloved ones, and for my country. I laugh and I learn lots of lesson from everyone I meet everyday. I’m so happy to know that I make them happy. So I want to keep doing it. Making myself happy as well as anyone else.

Also, there is a book that makes me believe that I can find happiness in small things I do everyday. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin accompanies me through my Quarter Life Crisis. I couldn’t understand what kind of universe scenario God has planned, but I found this book at the right time. I needed it so much and I accidentally found it at a bookstore. This book has a lot of happiness actions that are actually so simple yet effective to boost our happiness for example make time to help friends and pursue your passion, appreciate your peer’s works better, less complaining and gossipping, and so on. It will be too long if I have to tell everything about this book here. I’m still on my way finishing this book. Not all of the actions meet my interest. I just take some of them to be applied in my life. But knowing the fact that you can find happiness from the small things you do makes me glad. I can be happier in simple ways.

I can’t really say that I’m over my Quarter Life Crisis. At least, it’s getting better now. God might be on His way setting a better story line for me. And I believe it’s better than my own plot creation. My failure could be His way to prevent something worse happened to me. Who knows? What has past is in the past. The clock will keep ticking. The days will keep passing by. Upcoming years shouldn’t be wasted in grief. So, I have to accept what happened and learn from it. I have no idea what my future will be like. Will I stay in the same city? Or move to different one? Will I do the same job? Or try something else? For now, I get the idea what I want to do. At the very least, it shows me the way and helps me to create new goals. Plenty unpredictable possibilities are still hazy. Yet it’s okay. I learn my lesson and I’m ready for whatever surprise waiting for me in the future. Wish me luck!