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Gloomy January

Malang, 25 Januari 2015

I’m not sad. I’m not engulfed in grief. But when I write this, it feels so gloomy. Is it because I’m alone? It’s raining outside now. It’s not a heavy rain. This rain reminds me to some horror movies that I watched. The atmosphere is so quiet. Moonlight Sonata from Beethoven accompanies me to write. And you know, somehow I feel scared. It’s like something bad is watching me and waiting to catch me. Or it might be that bad thing is going to hurt them who are close to me. Maybe it’s just my wild imagination. This is not  the first time I feel like this. When it comes to me, something bad happens. What’s going to happen?

I got an unfortunate news from my father. He told me that my uncle Pak Ndan passed away this afternoon. Well, I feel so sorry about that and I sent him Al Fatihah. But, I’m not close to him so that news actually doesn’t make me in grief. So, why do I have this feeling? Something bothers me a lot. It’s like there is a rock which is stuck in my heart.


Malang, 27 Januari 2015

It’s just a dream, right? My hands are getting colder. I’m trembling in fear. This feeling is real. I hope it’s just my wild imagination. But, it’s not! I know, something bad begins to approach us. I don’t know why I could even sense it. Oh God... It’s not the first time for me. I have been through this countless times. But, I would never be able to get used of it. Please.... save us! Don’t let that bad thing ruins everything that we have. I don’t know what kind of bad thing it is. But please God, I beg You.... protect us from it.

If this feeling is a gift, I’m so grateful to cherish it.
If this feeling is a sign, I know I could do something to avoid that bad dream.
If this feeling is real, God..please... let me know the meaning behind it.


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